Jun 18, 2006

DIVE BAR DIVA
SEATTLE, Washington –  The Inappropriate Beau returned home.

I was, in turns, gracious, chummy and an absolute cow. After much strangeness and snarkiness at my birthday party, we agreed to shelve the public appearances until friend – not ex – is once again our primary mode.

Some people maintain this is impossible. But our years of companionship far outweigh the odd, ill-fated romantic outbursts.

Plus, the man owes me big beers, by way of apology.

And IB's the only reliable witness to my dive bar diva moment, after an unexpected spanking in the Sloop Tavern.

***

Imagine the outrage: I'd traveled the world for a decade – even lived in Rome, surely the slaphappy capital of female indignity, for two years – without any unwelcome manhandling. Then, mere blocks from my sedate Seattle home, some frog-faced goon gets frisky in my local pub.

He received the worst of both continents: my specialty, it seems. The brisk blow of an offended European lady combined with the roundhouse of the Million Dollar Baby.

His head wobbled on his neck stem. A handprint bloomed on his cheek.

"What did you do that for?" my attacker whined, clutching his face.

And for once, the words arrived when I needed them.

"You slap my ass, I slap your face, asshole," I replied. Then I grabbed my tankard and stalked to a booth. Frog-face was deep-sixed, dragged back to pay the bill and apologize, then bounced again.

The poor bastard shipped out to Alaska on a fishing boat the next day. With his former in-laws, the ingrates who'd bet him $40 to assault me.

Now there's a summer to remember, I'm sure: "Hey Froggy, remember when you went a-courtin' and Miss Mousey whupped your sorry ass? Uh-huh."

***

Thus IB and I must remain in touch – so we can laugh about the arc of 15 years from Skagit Valley brambles to the Battle of the Ballard Sloop.

Oh, he's an idiot. Once for running off with a German Backpacker, twice for telling me his new galpal has a diamond-filled tooth. Because we all know I lack the self-control to conceal such a prize tidbit.

But, with any luck, we'll lump along. Friends, after all, can be rare in cyborg-saturated modern life.

Waste not, want not...

11 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:06 AM

    But those diamond chips are hot, don't you think?

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  2. Never liked diamonds, but a sapphire might really do it for me.

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  3. Anonymous1:13 AM

    No, it wouldn't be the same without the diamondy sparkle. Sapphires are too dark. Think of a diamond tooth in candle llght. Seriously hot

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  4. Anonymous3:09 AM

    It started in Tashkent. Gold is cheap in Uzbekistan, and that's what dentists supply as fillings. I was oddly fascinated by the gleaming teeth I'd see on the bus. But it wasn't until I got to Cape Town that a dentist explained the value of fine metal-and-gem dentistry to me. From there, it was only the mildest of leaps to the truth: Diamonds are not just a girl's best friend, they are a dentist's best friend, made to be displayed.

    Being unmarriagable, I knew I had to improvise. Now I realize that Americans are revolted by shiny teeth, but we're idiots about so many thing--just imagine preferring mercury-laden amalgam or yellowing plastic-y "white" fillings to glamourous gold, or not recognizing the inherent class in a diamond inset, fresh from the mines of a 40-year-old southern African country--yes, diamonds are really, really sexy. Bring them on--and my dentist is a man, so a man has indeed, finally, given me a diamond.

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  5. Anonymous3:40 AM

    hey, that's my birthstone! Why not? Sounds cool to get a diamond tooth. But you can't cook on it...

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  6. Anonymous3:53 AM

    Oh Amanda....

    It's just the German way of teething baseball-capped Americans.
    It's our way of saying "you rock my world, honey"

    So...don't mention the diamond!

    Sascha....
    Your displaced German
    www.savethemullet.com

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  7. I didn't know diamond-teeth existed, but now that you mention it, seems like a practical way to have a permanent backup savings account.

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  8. Hat Boy9:19 AM

    Indeed, quite hot and, in my opinion, a much better alternative to some leaky ceramic resin or a gaudy gold plug.

    In fact, her diamond is quite understated. The last thing you would think is, "Oh my God, that chick has a diamond in her tooth!!". Set against a nice white background, its barely noticeable unless you really look for it.

    With the way Americans will proudly show off their teeth that are whitened to a phosphorescent glow or that its some how becoming fashionable to get ones stink star bleached, it seems a little weird that getting a diamond inset is still viewed as being over the top. Or perhaps its the fear that muggers will start showing up on the streets with pliers..."Gimme your wallet, watch, and that diamond tipped incisor!!"

    Anyway...thats my take on it. And no, I'm not going to post a picture of the bling in her grill.

    Hat Boy

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  9. Anonymous9:53 AM

    but wouldn't you worry about it snagging at a vital moment?

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  10. No one's going to believe you, HB, unless you pony up photo evidence...

    All I can say is thank heavens for fluoride. I haven't been to the dentist in six years – too expensive. If diamonds factor into the bill, I'll NEVER afford it.

    On the other hand, the fine cutting surface might help me slice through woody broccoli stalks and smoked tofu with more ease...

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  11. Anonymous12:15 PM

    OMGwd!! Infills are THE BOMB!!

    Nothing can be more sexy - male or female. Obv better than a tongue piercing. Duh!

    Diamond infills are the BIGGEST BOMB. Looks much better than saphire or emerald - sometimes those get mistaken for food.

    The best ballers on the east coast have em. Real players!

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