Road Remedies

NAUGHTY ESPRESSO ROAD TRIP
Spanaway, Washington – "Bikinis," my food-writer friend Candace says. "They serve coffee in bikinis."

Much hysteria ensued. I'm not really sure why, since we live in the homeland of Hooters. But drive-thru cleavage and a cuppa is inherently more funny than hot pants and hamburgers... Plus, we saw a sheriff's car squirreling around one stand.

And, well, Spanaway needs all the joy and joe possible; anything, really, to relieve the pawn shops, payday loan centers, nail parlors and fast-food joints along the Pacific Highway. A US Army and Air Force recruiter stands beside Kolby's Donut House and a sign pimping $12-per-hour jobs. Welcome to the mobius mallstrip of exurban America. Please check your Kerouac at the on-ramp.

We scout three stands: a Chick-a-Latte and two Bikini Bottoms. At the latter, Brittany brews the worst Americano ever. Somehow, she's reliquified the crust from a 50-year-old diner percolator.

For the first time in my life, I throw away coffee untouched. This from a woman who slams vile Nescafe crystals on remote field assignments...

But Chick-a-Latte is not about caffeine, gourmet or otherwise, I realize. Blonde and beaming, Brittany thanks us for "being so interested and cool. A lot of ladies get angry at us."

She yanks the white triangle concealing one breast. This barista is lithe and real, right down to the pancake powder over teen acne.

Around her age, I was a lifeguard and swim instructor at the YMCA. I ran around in Lycra all summer and mocked the rare dad drooling in the bleachers.

Does context make my suit clean and hers sleazy? I can't quite grasp that Moral Majority math...

I know only this: I forgive the (largely) male clientele for percolating fantasies. But Brittany, honey, please; no child drowned on my watch. And you, in turn, should learn not to brew swill. Because, to paraphrase Marilyn – the ultimate dreampuff:

Time rolls on,
And youth is gone,
And you can't straighten up when you bend.
But stiff back
Or stiff knees,
You stand straight at Tully's.