Mar 3, 2007

SCARY SPICE
SEATTLE, Washington – My neti pot advisor also volunteers his dump-run truck for the scuba story.

"You can drive a stick, right?" Mike asks.

"Learned on one. Hate driving anything else."

"Good. Watch out for the shifter knob, though ... flies off sometimes."

Bring it on. I don't care. The orange on this vehicle is honest: rust, not the "spicy" hue of the Chevy Aveo I rented last time.

As Allie Fox ranted in Mosquito Coast: "Someone over there in America is painting yellow lines on a road and someone else is wrapping half an onion in a blister of supermarket cellophane or putting an electric squeezer down the garbage disposal and saying 'It's busted'. Someone's just opened a can of chocolate-flavored soup in a beautiful kitchen, because he can't get his car started to eat out ... And they're all cursing the president. They want him retooled."

A burnt umber Aveo is all cheeseburger. Even Japanese teenyboppers would agree. And the subject made Northwest divers downright voluble in January: "We saw you on the road and said, 'that must be the reporter. No serious diver would be caught in that car'."

"Cheap rental," I stressed.

"Still..."

The spicemobile sucked. No argument here.

But I'm also woman enough to suffer the odd Barbie car. C'mon, I catch-and-release wolf spiders the size of my palm. I can troubleshoot a Lister SL3 diesel engine. And I reported from both Colombia and South Africa last year: the two countries vying for "highest murder rate" on most hit parades.

I defy any car – even one like a wedge of Port Salut – to tarnish that rep.

4 comments:

  1. Crazy like a Fox5:34 AM

    Nothing is more cheeseburger than an Aveo. But you can take the heat, girl!

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  2. Vegetarians naturally repel cheeseburgerness...

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  3. Billy the Kid3:10 AM

    Didn't you blog about truck-sexiness a while back? I can't find the entry.

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  4. billy the kid3:13 AM

    And, by the way, a vegetarian can be just as cheeseburger as the rest.

    1. Melting Monterey Jack atop a bean-burger patty.
    2. Seasonal floor mats.
    3. Knit dolls covering the spare toilet paper roll (though you often brand this "twee," after too much time in Europe, which is also CHEESEBURGER. I mean, those big collars? HEllo!)

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