STOUT ORANGEMEN ALL
BELLINGHAM – I am a thug: exported north solely for muscle power.
One of my best friends moved from Phoenix, Arizona, to Whatcom County, Washington (about 90 minutes from my Seattle flat): the exquisite travel writer and self-proclaimed "Wayne-fuc%in'-Gretsky-of-the- navel-gazing-article" Edward Readicker-Henderson.
He's a pseudo big brother – and calls in that type of favor. Haul couches and book boxes (I hurt). Open beer bottles with butter knives (I may have a permanent scar). Don't swear in front of his folks (I'm damaged for life).
Because, well, the Lake Samish house just inspires obscenity, from the orange shag carpet to the avocado drapes and mustard-yellow cooker. Did I mention the wires snaking up the fake-wood walls? And the mineral deposits that morphed a normal bathroom suite into an orange-pink nightmare? The (surprise!) non-potable well? The comedy "bedroom" that measures about 5x7 feet?
Forget swinging a cat. This closet barely has room to flap a pudgy hamster.
Yeah, yeah. The jammy b@stard has the best backyard EVER. He deserves no sympathy, really.
But what about me, as I de-limescale the neon-scummed shower enclosure?
Yay!
ReplyDeleteEd has a new home.
After that essay in AARP, I fear for his sanity.
Good thing he's near you.
Edward's TOO sane, I reckon.
ReplyDeleteThe rest is just whipped cream in the clown pie fight...
Of course I'm sane. That's why we're all here, right? Because this is where the sane people hang out?
ReplyDeleteFor the record, if you need help moving, call Amanda. She's a wonder. Whiny about the sore muscles, and she did bleed all over the bathroom after trying to open a beer bottle with a carving knife, but other than that . . .
Nice to know that you're back in the lower 48, Ed, and that Amanda is still no wiser about the ways of the world (beer bottles and carving knives?).
ReplyDeleteERH taught me that emergency bottle-opening trick, in fact.
ReplyDeleteSo much for the wisdom of elders.
And yes, I whined. Because after three days hauling furniture and boxes of books, I went paddling with the national kayak team (assignment for the P-I). I could barely brush my hair the next day...
Being "Barbie Cahill" ain't easy, but given enough beer, romantic misadventures and outdoor buffoonery, I might just manage...
She never, by the way, hauled a couch. She went couch shopping, but at no point was any actual couch hauling involved. Big whinger.
ReplyDelete