ZEN AND THE ART OF KOREAN BOILERMAKERS*

SEATTLE, Washington – Your average Korean lawyer knows over 100 ways to prepare a boilermaker.

No, wait. I exaggerate. These are clearly above-average Korean lawyers. Way above average.

Friday night, I witnessed three depth-charge techniques, each more stunning than the last:

1. Line up eight pints of beer. Stagger seven shots of cheap whiskey on their rims. Domino the small glasses with your head.

Warning: at least 30 percent of the beer – all disproportionate to normal rules of physics, thanks, perhaps, to the fizz – will displace onto innocent bystanders' shoes, handbags, lower limbs and Balenciaga gloves. But at the point where you've ordered boilermakers, does anyone really care?

2. Line up eight pints of beer. Stagger seven shots of cheap whiskey on their rims. Kowtow the table, which should cause a tremor that dominoes the small glasses and – bonus! – shows respect for your boss.

Warning: do not attempt this with a mod 1950-esque, implacable solid-plastic table – unless you plan to send a jpeg of your pointlessly bruised brow across the Pacific. (Still, even the East German judge delivered a high score for effort.)

3. Take one pint. Balance two cocktail straws across it (in lieu of chopsticks), topped by the cheap shot.

Then karate chop** the straws away, plunging the cheap whiskey into the even cheaper beer.

Warning: None. Here's a skill everyone should acquire. Without delay. Magnificent and relatively splash-free, the technique is surely worth the several years – or decades – of martial arts training required.

*Or "How to Get Slapped with a $40 Mopping Fee and Blacklisted From the Only Grown-up Bar in the University District".

**Technically speaking, he more punched than chopped. But after a few boilermakers, it all kinda blurs together anyway.