Aug 19, 2008

NOTES FROM BAMFIELD

1. Our B&B luggage-hauler went fishin'.

2. The boat was on time. Who knew such a thing could happen?

3. Thus his partner – in a hedge-clipping frenzy – fails to check messages.

4. The general store is shut due to lack of electricity.

5. The $200 suite boasts a scout-troop-sized kitchen, mudroom (remove all foodstuffs: bear threat) and two queen-sized bunk beds clustered around an old VHS player (all is forgiven for the battered cassette of A Fish Called Wanda). Also we're loaned a rowboat to cross Bamfield Inlet, which slices this 251-person metropolis in two.

6. "We don't have restaurants on Wednesday nights. Just the pub."

7. Don't order Caesar salad. Following Castleman's Law of Area-appropriate Menu Navigation, stick to the deep-fried mozzarella sticks.

8. Burger specials on Wednesdays! Pair with Pilsner-style Kokanee for a "glacier fresh" backcountry taste sensation.

9. The town's only taxi has a "scheduled emergency" for the next morning.

10. No, the proprietor won't clock on half an hour earlier to bail out stranded hikers. But she really, really hopes you won't think poorly of her company, which will have a second vehicle next month.

"Lady, that won't help me tomorrow, will it?"

"Just please don't think we're uncooperative."

That's when I simply surrender. Island time and logic have mulched my brain into a nurse log. Hemlock seedlings will soon sprout from my moss-whorled ears.

As Archie Leach says, "I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future."

5 comments:

  1. I thought you were sorta quarter Italian, madam. You should flourish in such conditions!

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  2. Sounds rather charming. There is a café in Devon by the sea that doesn't do savoury foods in the winter months.

    I don't really understand why, I suppose just because.

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  3. Mmm, I miss Kokanee ...

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  4. Sascha: America's efficiency is ruining me. RUINING, I say.

    Ah well. The train's won't run on time much longer here, what with the economy tanking...

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  5. Louche: Vancouver Island is deeply, deeply charming. Unless one is trying to move fast across its "mellow, dude" landscape ... as we impoverished journalists sans expense accounts are wont to do.

    Sigh.

    DB: I drank a Kokanee for you, amico mio! The I went back to Piper's Ale and Sleeman Honey Brown Lager.

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